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random movies

 

 
older movies

Prometheus - A Little Cheese, but Unweak

Movies - 6.12.12

prometheus movie review unweak stop the weakness Ridley Scott somehow claims this is not a prequel to Alien, but not really sure how he tries to get away with that. Especially when it has a scene showing the creation of the Alien we all know. If you are getting all spoiler hurt about finding that out, quit it, that doesn't say shit. The movie does involve different aliens and a different set up for the most part....and it's pretty good.

So what is bad about this and what is good? Well, it's good because it's not like Alien 8 and it really does have a different feel to it and is not all B movie seeming, trying to cash in on the name. It also isn't a remake trying to cash in on the name. If you removed one scene, it would stand on its own and be in line with Scott's claim that it is not a prequel.

So now for the bad - it is a little cheesey and not scary. Is it PG-13? I am guessing it is. It could have been a lot darker, but again it was cool how it had a different feel from the previous movies as the same setting/feel was getting a little old. Another kind of annoying thing....Michael Fassbender is awesome in the movie but he is a robot and they bring in the whole "make you question robots" idea here which.....well, if you've seen the other movies, it just seems forced and dumb and, well dumb. Not sure why it annoyed me, but it really did. Completely unnecessary.

Basically, it's a big budget Ridley Scott Alien prequel that isn't completely stupid and unnecessarily trying to cash in on a franchise and is decently good but won't knock your socks off. The End.

 

The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins and The Hunger Games Movie - Books: Unweak, Movie: I Think Unweak

Legit Random - Books / Movies - 5.1.12

hunger games trilogy books and movie  unweak book review  stop the weaknessAlright, should have posted this a while back as the movie has been out for a while and many have already seen it and probably read all the books for that matter.....but, though late to game, this is one of the first huge blockbuster books or collection of books (e.g. Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter, Twilight) that I have read, so I am thinking there's a good chance a large amount of our reader base is the same way. Therefore I will throw my thoughts out there and recommend people read these books (and see the movie too); they are pretty f-ing unweak, good story telling and you can cruise right through them.

I will start off by going through my thoughts on movie, which are mainly based on reading the book(s) at the same time. The movie is probably pretty fantastic, but having finished the book only a few days before seeing the movie made the it difficult to watch. I know what you're thinking - duh, books are always better than the movies, but this is somewhat different as movies often fuck with the plot in order to fit it all into a 2 hour movie. This actually isn't the case here as the movie doesn't cut or change much of the plot, but what it does do is cut out all the conflicting emotions and back story being told through the narrator: Katniss, the girl who offers herself up to the Hunger Games in place of her sister. I don't know how the director/producer/whomever thought they could make this film without a narrator.

Watching this movie sans narrator had me constantly wondering if there was any way my fellow movie goers, the ones who had not read the book at least, were able to pick up on any of the underlying emotions and also think about all of the thoughts going on in Katniss' mind that were just completely left out of the film. It made it hard to focus on the movie as its own thing, to say the least.

When I read the book, though typically a slow reader I cruised through it and thought that was due to a) it being written for a young adult audience and b) it just being all action and no elaborate descriptions. Though point B is true, which makes the movie's interpretation of setting cool, there is more to it; it is all plot moving action and the underlying thoughts/emotions of Katniss. There is too much going on in Katniss' head for actors to be able to display it through their acting...and that's for good actors, which this movie has a few (the girl playing Katniss being one of them), but there are also a bunch of awful ones, like the actors playing the 2 guys that make up the Twilight esque love triangle (I also feel like this love triangle was included for the sole purpose of recreating the Twilight screaming teenybopper hype). There were plenty of scenes in the movie with no dialogue where narrating could have easily been added and it would have benefited greatly.

So yeah, I sat there throughout thinking about how much was left out in terms of the main characters thoughts and also wondering if it was possible that non-reader movie goers were able to pick up on the major emotions/themes they did try to portray...because I didn't think it would be possible. It seems like it didn't matter though and my biggest problem was reading the book and seeing the movie right after - I saw the movie with 3 people, one who'd never read any of the books and 2 others who read them a while back, and they all really like the movie.

So....what is great about these books and the movie - they are a little violence heavy for a typical children's book (could have made a sweet, dark R-rated non teenybopper movie) but at the same time it is written for kids so the themes/imagery are blatant and it's an easy read. That last part doesn't seem all that positive, but here are my thoughts - when was the last time you read a book well below your "reading level"? And I mean one that tries to get the reader thinking and not a fun bestseller read. Probably never, or very rarely, right? Think back to the books you read in middle school - for me this one is a lot like The Giver, if anyone remembers that book. I would actually like to go back and read that one now, but my point is....it was kind of enjoyable to have the thought provoking symbolism be so blatant. It kind of got you thinking about these themes that you have been over many times before, but almost through the eyes of the intended audience. They are so far from groundbreaking and original and so in your face, that you either a) are completely turned off by how stupid it is, or b) you treat them like they are groundbreaking. It depends on how you want to go about it, but knowing it's a book for kids made me treat it completely different. Not to mention you could read through these things in a couple hours.

Alright, this is way too long, so lets just move onto the trilogy as a whole. The first book is great. The second book starts off slow, but otherwise ends up being just as good as the first. And the last one is the weakest for sure, but finishes the story and is a decent read. Oh yeah, the thing that pissed me off the most is how they made Woody Harrelson's character, well, not a drunk. He is awesome in it, but in the book he is a fall down, fucked up drunk, and they just brighten him up and completely change him which hurts the story.

The Cabin in the Woods - SO UNWEAK I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE HOW UNWEAK IT IS

Movies - 4.9.12

cabin in the woods movie review unweak stop the weakness I was lucky enough to attend an advanced screening of The Cabin in the Woods this week. I had read some vague reviews, all of which said it would be criminal to reveal any of the surprises this film has in store, so I very intentionally knew nothing about it going in. My excitement was high. I'm not a massive Joss Whedon fan but I'm not too cool to watch some fucking Buffy every once in awhile. I was a fan of Drew Goddard's Cloverfield and he wrote some pretty great episodes of Lost. I am a massive, gigantor horror nut, however, and word on the street was this was a big fucking deal for horror. Was it? I don't care. What i do care about is that I had a metric fuck ton of fun watching this. The goddamn TITLE SCREEN made people cheer.

I happen to be in full agreement with the aforementioned vague reviews in that I would feel like a piece of shit if I said a word about anything that happens in this film. Except there's a cabin people go to. And it's in the woods. Son of a motherfucker, I feel somewhat guilty mentioning the cheering for the TITLE SCREEN. Go see this fucking thing, please. If you care about horror and being able to see cool horror films in a real movie theater, support the good ones. If this ends up being a huge hit, maybe, just maaaayyyybbbbbeeee studios will fund some more original horror projects.

PS DON'T WATCH THE FUCKING TRAILER

 

 

The Grey - IF YOU CALL THESE WOLVES WEAK THEY'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT UNWEAK UNWEAK UNWEAK

Movies - 4.3.12

the grey movie review unweak stop the weakness The Grey is a mega tense, terrifying motherfucker that pits Liam Neeson and a band of badasses against not only a monumental blizzard but the scariest wolves in the entire multiverse. Unexpectedly, The Grey starts off almost like a horror film with wolves stalking and attacking the holy living shit out of these people. The plot is pretty simple. Plane full of badass dudes goes down in some blizzardy, wolf covered terrain. Badasses try to stay alive. Wolves and weather (mostly wolves) take them down one by one. The wolves in this film are relentless. I mean it. They’re always present and the wolf attacks are fierce and often. When they aren’t attacking, they let their presence be known to these dudes with some ball-shriveling howls (the sound design for these scenes is excellent). There are plenty of moments in this film where it could have gone off the rails stupid but it avoids all the pitfalls that films like this usually fall into and continues to kick ass up until the final shot. Speaking of, this is another movie that knows exactly where it should end and listens to itself. As far as snowy wolf attack movies, this kicks the shit out of Frozen. The Grey is so far my very favorite film of 2012. It just so happens that it’s also the only film I’ve seen from 2012. - Show quoted text -

Better Than Something - Jay Reatard - Depressing but Unweak

Movies - 3.13.12

jay reatard better than something unweak stop the weakness I don't know much about Jay Reatard. Or didn't at least. Not going to sit here and lie and say I loved him and this movie was a wonderful tribute, blah blah blah. I remember when he died (sorry for the spoiler) and had checked out some of his music but.....you win some, you lose some. You can't check out everything that's out there and give it the attention it deserves.

I think that will all change now as his music is pretty fantastic. This movie was funny and depressing at the same time. He loved music, and just wanted to make sure he made as much as possible. Everything. Tons of different styles. Tons of fucking output. Some better than others but, well, I have always thought that making more music and coming up with some shitty songs and some awesome songs is better than laboring over shit to death, where the song may come out shitty anyway. Then you are left with 1 song which could be either shitty or brilliant instead of 10 songs where 1 or 2 could be brilliant, 5 could be good/mediocre, and the other 3 or 4 may not be great.

Who cares about my philosphies. Go check this movie out whether or not you know his music. He led an extrememly short and interesting life, was a bastard, and a funny motherfucker, and he died too young.

 

 

The Baby - UNWEAKER THAN AN ADULT BABY SUCKING ON A TITTY

Movies - 3.1.12

man on a wire documentary unweak stop the weakness I went into The Baby thinking it was going to be an overly campy 70's horror flick and came out of it stunned at how effectively creepy it is. It has some camp factor, to be sure, but the progression of the story and an ending that not only took my completely off guard but makes complete sense and re-contextualizes the entire film, makes this something special.

The Baby tells the story of a man who is still physically and mentally in the stages of being a baby. His mother is an overbearing freak of a woman and he has two bitchy sisters and they all form like Voltron to keep the baby man a baby, man. A social worker takes a special interest in the case and begins inserting herself into this family's life and ultimately, tries to take the baby away from his bizarre home life. The performances are solid across the board but Ruth Roman particularly stands out. She's fierce as the mother of the titular baby and owns every scene she's in.

The Baby manages dark humor and a dash of surprise horror (and some adult baby on adult babysitter titty sucking). It's in very small company in films that once they're over, the entire thing takes over a completely different meaning without being forced. The more I thought about it, the more a forehead slapping "OHHHHHHHH" washed over me.

The Bodyguard - It's Totally Weak, but Like So Weak It Wound Up Being Unweak

Movies - 2.28.12

the bodyguard movie review weak stop the weakness I don't know what crawled up my twat today but for some reason unkbeknownst to me, I was possessed by the desire to watch The Bodyguard for the first time. I was initially resistant but it eventually won me over with it's overwhelming loyalty to illogic. Whitney Houston does the unthinkable here. Her character is so blatantly assholish, she makes Kevin Fucking Costner almost likable in contrast. I hate that cunt (referring here to Costner) but this movie is so baffling in nearly every single scene that it wound up winning my vote for my favorite Kevin Costner movie by a wide margin. This isn't as sublimely stupid as Showgirls or The Room but it tries hard enough and makes so little sense that it appeals to the me that adores insane people gloriously failing. How either of these fuckers fall for each other is anyone's guess. They're both total assholes with no chemistry and nothing at all happens between them to ever start liking each other. It would've been better if everyone would have died, but whatever. Thank you for wearing me down with your retarded charm, you stupid sons of bitches.

Man On Wire - Very Unweak

Movies - 2.22.12

man on a wire documentary unweak stop the weakness Check out "man on wire" if you haven't yet. It's on Netflix. It's really good.

it won the academy award for best documentary last year or the year before I think

its the true story of this dude who tight rope walked across the twin towers back in the 70's.

its wild because they have all this footage from back then but it looks like it was shot today (unless the re-enactors just look insanely similar to young versions of the dudes in the movie)

very unweak for sure

The Bunny Game - Why-Is-Everyone-Claiming-This-is-the-Most-F-ed-Up-Movie? Weak

Movies - 2.15.12

the bunny game movie review weak stop the weakness A review I read prior to seeing The Bunny Game claimed: " The Bunny Game is so sickening, so disturbing and so unforgivingly raw that it ultimately leaves an unforgettable afterimage of ethereal beauty on your burned out eyeballs, once it’s done wringing your soul out like an old dishrag that is". I read a handful of other reviews that all claimed similar things about this film. Then it was banned in the UK and my attention was caught. A viewing of the trailer just ramped up my excitement and after a few weeks of searching, I found a copy. I was nervous, much like I was before viewing A Serbian Film or Human Centipede 2. As The Bunny Game progressed, my nervous energy, which I've quite grown to like in situations like this, grew and grew. I waited patiently through 15 minutes of hyper fast editing and death metal and repeating scenes of prostitute fucking tricks, sobbing in the shower, doing blow, being happy, running out of blow and fucking more tricks. The editing turned me off immediately but I figured as soon as she met her torturer, things would slow down in that regard. They don't. The entire film is edited like some retarded kid riddled with more ADD than all of the world combined decided to get a copy of Final Cut and go to town. I'm sure plenty of people appreciate this aesthetic. I really don't. It withdrew me from caring about what was going on and it separated me from the reality of what was going on. From the moment she meets her captor, he psychologically tortures her and does some minor physical torture to her, but this all plays out like some S&M training film and I'm absolutely bewildered as to why so many people found this disturbing. I searched high and low for something anywhere on the internet that shared my views to no avail. It appears that everyone that's written about this film was grossly disturbed by it. Maybe I'm way too desensitized at this point but I really don't understand this.

There are some positives to The Bunny Game, though. The black and white is pretty and there are some really stunning shots of a highway outside of Los Angeles. The main actor lady was pretty fantastic in her role and even went through all the physical stuff the villain puts her through. The villain is an effectively creepy dude but the majority of what he does involves screaming in her face over and over. I'm not too into spoilers, so I won't say anymore but if anyone sees this and would like to explain to me why it's freaking so many people out, I'd like to know.

Invasion of the Bee Girls - Unweak

Movies - 2.8.12

invasion of the bee girls movie review unweak stop the weakness A group of the hottest women to have ever lived turn themselves into bee bitches and try to fuck a whole town to death, all set to a monster score by Charles Bernstein. If that doesn't sound appealing to you, I'm not sure we can ever watch movies together. Invasion of the Bee Girls hits all the right spots. It's 70's camp all the way but it's the very best kind of 70's camp. Girls in this film refer to sex as "getting balled". The police captain's name is Captain Peters. There are boobs flapping all over the place. There are POV shots from the bee girls in bee-vision. In one scene, the queen bee has on my favorite dress of all time. It even manages to edge in a decent amount of genuine creepiness. The bee eyeballs are totally unnerving and the girl to bee-girl transformation scene is all kinds of bizarro. Not a lot in this movie makes a whole lot of sense but it doesn't matter. Unless you're a total dick that hates gorgeous girl/bee hybrids fucking ugly dudes to death with their bee pussies, you'll thank me for this suggestion.

Shame - Unweak But Pretty F-ing Depressing

Movies - 2.3.12

shame movie review unweak stop the weakness Has anyone seen this movie? It is pretty fucking depressing. Sex addict, suicide, sex clubs, Standard window sex, hookers, wrist slitting - the usual uplifting shit. Though it was pretty damn good, we couldn't help but hope for the moment when Michael Fassbender turned into Magneto and destroyed the whole fucking thing.

Panic Button - Panic Room was among the unweakestest. This is not.

Movies - 1.25.12

panic button weaker than panic room stop the weakness A computer alligator tricks a handful of dumbfucks into thinking they won a free airplane ride to New York. They are fooled again by this 8-Bit Alligator into playing a trivia game based on their personal information he gathered from the internet. The questions get progressively more personal until the dumbfucks get pissy. The alligator responds by playing them videos of their dumbfuck friends and dumbfuck family being murdered. Shit gets serious. People get more pissy. The alligator pits all the dumbfucks against each other and dumbfuck chaos ensues.

I enjoyed Panic Button a good deal more than I thought I would. I attribute this mostly to the English accents of the cast. Had this been filled with your typical Adam Green douchebag American cast, I probably would have shut it off within twenty minutes. YOU’RE LUCKY I’M EASILY CHARMED, BRITS. OR MAYBE I’M LUCKY? WHY AM I YELLING? I LIKED THIS MOVIE. THIS CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING:

ALL CAPS NIGHT!

OVERALL, THE MOVIE MAINTAINS A FUN SENSE OF SUSPENSE AND BUILDS UPON IT UNTIL THE FINAL FEW MINUTES. THE ENDING IS A DOWNER, WHICH WAS A NICE SURPRISE (THE PIXELATED ALLIGATOR POURS OUT OF ALL OF THE COMPUTER SCREENS AND REASSEMBLES INTO A MEGA GATOR AND EATS EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THE DUMBFUCKS ON THE PLANE NO I'M KIDDING THAT WOULD'VE BEEN WAY MORE AWESOME).

End all caps night.

PARENTS - As Unweak As Eating People With Your Mother

Movies - 1.18.12

parents movie review unweak stop the weakness Fuck. FUCK. How have I never seen this? I recall in great detail the curiosity the cover of this movie inspired in me as a child. Re-watching it last weekend, I thought that maybe I had seen it and the memories of it had escaped me. And that maybe, just maybe, watching it would spark some long lost memory and a wave of nostalgia would fuck my face off. Not so. I had never seen Parents prior to last weekend and that instilled some weird sense of panic in me. How many amazing movies am I going to miss in my lifetime? It’s incalculable. Overwhelming that fear, however, is the total joy this motherfucker brought me.

Parents is both a vicious satire of 1950’s suburban life and a cold, subtle horror film. The story follows a suburban family that moves into a new town. They dress the part and act the part but there is clearly something fucked up with these goddamn people. They have a son (Brian Madorsky), who refuses to eat the meat his parents cook for him and clearly knows something is going on but doesn’t quite know what to make of it. But it’s very seriously fucking him up. Like most rational people, a good deal of child actors irritate me, but Madorsky hits the perfect tone for this film. Randy Quaid plays the father and my opinion of Randy Quaid has shifted from barely tolerable to HOLY FUCK I LOVE THIS GUY based on this performance alone. He plays his part with a disturbing patience, only occasionally letting his anger get the better of him. The more his son is repelled by him, the more he keeps his shit together and the more he succeeds, the creepier he becomes. The mom (Mary Beth Hurt) is much sunnier than her male counterpart but there’s something under her surface that’s creeeeeeeepy.

The set design is both gorgeous and strangely clinical. There are wide shots of this family’s living room that gave my eyes a boner so fierce, it could kill your whole family. The soundtrack, done in part by Angelo Badalamenti, is pure 50’s suburbia and a perfect juxtaposition to the unnerving subject matter.

Parents was as pleasant a movie surprise as I’ve had in recent memory. The comedy in the film is blacker than both of my dicks combined and it meshes two entirely different tones without breaking a sweat. Don’t be like me and live to your early 30’s without seeing Parents. You’ll feel like a total cunt (unless you’re already in your early 30’s. Or older. Then you’re already a cunt). Make this right. Watch Parents and free yourself from the cunt hiding inside you.

Kill List - Weird but Unweak

Movies - 1.17.12

kill list horror movie review weird but  unweak stop the weakness Kill List is an interesting film. I’d noticed it on quite a few best of 2011 horror lists and I was getting a little tingly in anticipation. For most of the running time, I very much enjoyed what I was watching but didn’t quite understand how it fit into the horror genre. There are moments of extreme gore, for sure, but it seemed like a less comical and more violent “In Bruges” than anything in horror. And totally out of nowhere, it kicks your stupid face in and demands that you recognize its horrorority and you will because it’s right. It just takes a really long time to show you.

I’m still not quite sure what to make of this thing. A lot of seemingly important plot details remain unanswered at the end or maybe they were red herrings or maybe the were pixilated alligators. Whatever. It’s extremely well done and in the end I liked the whole thing enough that it didn’t matter to me either way. The super abrupt shift into horror territory is a completely unexpected but welcome surprise. The ending reminded me a lot of A Serbian Film (minus the buttfucked toddler). Not too sure if the ending of ASF was an influence on this one or not but my experience with A Serbian Film, unfortunately, lessened the blow of Kill List’s ending a teeny bit. It’s still a brutal ending and I guess that just goes to show how desensitized to this shit ASF made me. Thanks, Serbia.

I have some minor quibbles with this overall. I found the accents difficult to understand at times and there was a noticeable lack of coherency to the whole thing (the latter issue could probably be solved with multiple viewings). One last thing that kind of irks me is a recurring theme that seemsa vital part of the story but is dismissed by the end. Those are all minor issues, though, and this movie as a whole is totally worth your time.

The Skin I Live In - YOUR FACE IS WAY WEAKER THAN THIS COULD EVER BE

Movies - 1.10.12

the skin I live in way unweak stop the weakness There are some movies that are incalculably more effective if you know nothing going in. The Skin I Live In is one of them. It begins the story in the present and only at the most perfect moment in the story does it go back and unfold what’s actually going on. Had I read about it beforehand, the impact would have been lessened significantly and I’m thrilled I went into this blind and for that reason, this review will be relatively spoiler free.

Elena Anaya plays a fantastically beautiful woman being held prisoner by an insane plastic surgeon (a completely unhinged Antonio Banderas). He watches her, obsessed, through a one way mirror, as she scribbles rants on the walls of the room she’s kept in. The story unfolds beautifully as tiny hints are revealed through scenes of dialogue between Banderas and his mother (Marisa Paredes) and between his mother and the woman being held against her will. As the back story fills the viewer in on who this woman is and why she’s being held captive, the horror of the situation imprints itself onto you.

The visual aesthetic of this film is incredible. Every scene is full of eye candy and the cinematography is beautiful. The movie flies by quickly but takes its time revealing to us what happens. I refuse to say anything more about the plot other than it’s as creepy and horrifying as it gets without being exploitative.

The performances are excellent across the board. I haven’t seen Banderas this good in a film in ages. He’s clearly off the rails crazy but firmly believes what he’s doing is justified. The actions of the mother in this should be hard to believe but because of the writing and the performance of Paredes, everything she does makes total sense within the context of the story. Anaya is wonderful to watch and as you begin to understand what’s happened to her, her performance becomes even stronger in hindsight.

There are often moments toward the end of a movie where I think to myself: “This is exactly where this should end.” Very rarely, does that actually happen and I’m delighted to report that this movie is one of them. It ends on a note that’s difficult to describe in emotional terms but is the perfect note to go out on.

This is one of the very best films I saw this year. The more I think about it, the more I've grown to love it. I had never seen an Almodovar film prior to this. I feel like an asshole. But an asshole with an exciting filmography to discover.

The Woman - LITTERED BY WEAKNESS (EXCEPT FOR POLLYANNA MCINTOSH’S VAGINA, WHICH IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF UNWEAK)

Movies - 1.6.12

the woman weak fucked up stop the weakness May, Lucky Mckee’s previous film, was a wonderful surprise. I happened upon it while perusing Fearnet years back and fell in love with it. My affinity for May, coupled with the controversy that The Woman generated had my hopes mighty high for this film. There’s a very good chance you’ve either heard about or seen the video of the man who freaked the fuck out after it screened at Sundance. He screamed “misogyny” until he blue in the face and as a result, was removed from the theater to the applause of the rest of the attendees. If you haven’t seen the footage, it’s worth a watch if you’re into seeing an unhinged, self-righteous twat wail about a movie for ten minutes. And at the very least, it’s a lot more entertaining than The Woman.

Is The Woman an artless, misogynistic affront to all of humanity (as this man suggested)? No. Not in the slightest. The subject matter is on the disturbing side, to be sure, but there is a good deal of restraint in what is actually depicted onscreen. The final twenty minutes are certainly gory but nothing that I would consider all that appalling. The most offensive things about The Woman are the soundtrack, the editing and the acting. Sometimes.

The Woman seems to be made by two vastly different filmmakers. More often than not, it feels like a cheap, poorly put together student film. The soundtrack is filled with terrible power pop that flies in the face of the mood this thing should have. There is no real score to speak of, just shit song after shit song, which destroys every moment that should be filled with tension and dread. Having no music at all would have been a hell of a lot more effective. Worse, not only are the music choices themselves befuddling, the placement of them in each scene screams amateur filmmaking. Bad pop music plays loudly under serious (but poorly acted) scenes of dialogue, it fades in and out at bizarre moments, everything about the music in this film is a massive mistake.

The editing is just as shitty. There are horrible fadeouts are all over this bitch and, again, it makes it feel like a barely passable student film. On top of those two huge problems, the acting is all across the board. Some of the performances are excellent. Some are okay. One in particular is at the same level as the editing and the music. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen May but I don’t recall any noticeable lack of technical ability in that film, which makes this all the more puzzling.

The Woman is the story of a feral woman caught by a suburban family man. While out hunting, he finds her bathing and decides to capture her in an attempt to civilize her. He tells his family of his plan in a matter of fact manner and they hesitantly agree to help him. The wife and daughter are clearly terrified of this man and upset by what is going on and the son is very clearly not. Everything, of course, gets out of hand and builds to a bloody climax (period sex joke is so tempting).

Each member of the family is well acted. The wife (Angela Bettis of May fame) is horrified and heartbroken by her husband. The daughter (Lauren Ashley Carter) is wrecked by depression and they both play their parts with a quiet, nervous horror. The son (Zach Rand) is effectively creepy and obviously a product of his lunatic father. Sean Bridgers does what he is supposed to do but I found his presence to be repelling. If I ever saw that dude in an alley, I’d scream “RAPE” and with every fiber of my being,run in the opposite direction. His change from wholly unlikable suburban dickhead to rape happy, torturing murderer is gradual and believable. On the other hand, the daughter’s teacher (Lauren Petre) is so poorly acted, it’s like she’s in a different fucking movie. Her acting fits most of the technical aesthetic of this movie. She ruins every scene she’s in and forcibly removes the viewer from the atmosphere of this poopfest.

On the other side of the acting spectrum is Pollyanna McIntosh, whose performance as the titular woman is superb. She’s simultaneously hideous and beautiful and an absolute force of nature. She speaks mostly in grunts and inhuman screams but does a bang up job conveying her fury. She also seems like she’s in a different movie than everyone else. In that movie, the music is creepy and the editing is flawless. In that movie, tension is sustained and built upon. That movie would have been in my top ten of the year.

That’s the most frustrating thing about all of this. It could have been great. It comes pretty close and that makes its shortcomings all the more impossible to forgive. I suppose I should have lessened my expectations a bit (or a lot) when dipshit horror site Bloody-Disgusting picked it up, but my faith in Mckee helped keep them afloat. No more. I will give him another chance but will approach his future projects with a good deal of hesitation.

I would suggest watching this on the strength of Pollyanna McIntosh alone. Actually, I wouldn’t. Just google pictures of her all day. She’s gorgeous. And her pictures are more fun to look at than this half-assed failure.

If the man who was kicked out of Sundance had screamed about the technical ineptitude of this film instead of his extremely misguided claims of misogyny, I would be behind him 100%. Sadly, he’s just as mistaken about his outrage as Lucky Mckee was in most of his decisions when making his movie. Thank you for introducing me to Pollyanna McIntosh, though.

Friends With Benefits - Weak, Very Weak, Scarier Than Human Centipede 2

Movies - 1.5.12

friends with benefits so weak fucked up stop the weaknessHoly fucking shit this movie is bad. It's the shittiest piece of fucking shit ever. I don't believe it. Well, I do believe it, I guess what I shouldn't believe is how I thought this could actually be funny. I think Justin Timberlake is great sometimes and I do like Mila Kunis, but even though I should have known this would be bad, no one could guess how bad. Oh I know, this from the person who likes all movies...but one thing I always say is that a) comedies have the biggest propensity to suck and b) watching movies at home is a completely different experience for me. I've got to say though I did enjoy watching this to a certain extent. It was like a horror movie, you were filled with tension and disbelief....wait it was worse than a horror movie, you were not in awe of the fucked up imagination in a good way, you were frightened that someone could have thought this movie up, then watched it and thought it acceptable to release.

Let me break down how fucked up this movie was:

Just like a good horror movie they start out with, not a funny scene per se, but one that piqued your interest and thought everything would be alright for a little while - then like the best of blood bath horror movies it jumps right into the most horrid shit and it doesn't stop for an hour. Every single line for the next hour is a huge failed attempt at comedy. Painful. Downright have to avert your eyes and close your ears painful like an 8 year old watching Hostel. The only positive thing is that it supplies many laughs if you are watching it with someone, but just like an 8 year old with Hostel - don't watch it alone. You need someone there for support. Well the other good thing and this is related, it makes the bad jokes in last 30 mins hilarious. You laugh out loud at the stupidest of things on and off the screen. Shit I was brought to tears laughing when my girlfriend made fun of the amount of Swedish Fish I had in my hand. Straight up fucking crying to the point where I was scared for my life that I would choke on those fishies in my mouth.

What else. Oh yeah after the horrendous first hour Justin Timberlake remarks, let's just end this (talking about his relationship with Kunis), and we were so happy thinking that he meant the movie itself. That the directors filmed it in sequence, realized how awful it was, and they just pulled the plug mid scene. If that happened it maybe would be the best movie ever. It didn't happen.

There is also a film within this film that has Jason Segal in it and it is an intentionally awful romcom, and it is awesome. They watch it a couple times throughout the movie and each time you wish you were watching that movie instead. That one was trying to be bad and was succeeding awesomely unlike the shitty ass movie we were watching. The irony is not lost on me that the directors succeeded at making a funny fake romcom within their actual romcom which is a complete and utter failure.

Alright I could on and on about this, and there were more horrifying things to poke fun at but for some reason I have lost will to go on about this film. Oh god, one last thing....and maybe this is the "asshole New Yorker" thing in me that this movie loves to harp on - but there is this big cultural clash thing about New York and LA and honestly, who the fuck actually thinks about this stuff? Or thinks it is that funny. Especially in this day and age with the transfer of information etc. Turn on the tv and watch shitty reality TV shows that take place in various cities and you realize pretty quickly that everyone is equally stupid and fucked up regardless of their surroundings. Cracking jokes about how Justin Timberlake waits for the walk sign before crossing the street in NY is not funny. And most importantly, Mila Kunis' painful attempt at being the biggest New Yorker stereotype ever is, well, painful. Fuck this movie.

Oh, one more. There are a lot of sex scenes in this movie, and Mila Kunis is hot and they are somewhat graphic or at least dirty, but this is a comedy so they try to use that to be funny. What results is the most uncomfortably awkward shit ever. Like watching a porno with your mom while at the same time your most unfunny relative, whose favorite thing in life is trying to make people laugh, is doing a comedy routine next to it. The most horrific combo of uncomfortable awkwardness. Did I say fuck this movie yet?

Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) - Unweaker Than Masturbating With Sandpaper

Movies - 1.4.12

human centipede 2 fucked up  unweak stop the weaknessWe got one of our better movie writers back in the mix and he is coming out of the gates with some good flicks. Finally a Human Centipede review I trust fully. There are some spoilers here, but if you are even thinking of seeing this movie, I am guessing you already know this stuff. Good way to kick off the new year. Enjoy:

I’m not sure how shit eating ended up on the radar of pop culture. When 2 Girls 1 Cup became a phenomenon, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that suburban moms and dads and grandmas and grandpas were shown this film by their friends and children. I understand the appeal of seeking out videos to gross out your friends, but there’s been poop porn for ages and why this particular video struck a chord always dumbfounded me. Then, before it was even released, the mere premise of The Human Centipede permeated our culture. Once again, feces eating was huge. As a total horror dork, there was no way I was going to not see this thing. When I finally watched it, I understood that the premise was more interesting than the movie could ever be. Dieter Laser’s delightful performance as a super fucked up surgeon aside, I thought The Human Centipede was boring. The female victim characters irritated me so much, that by the time anything horrible happened to them, I didn’t give a shit (pun intended!) what happened to them. It didn’t really inspire anything in me other than a few laughs, but there was no sense of dread, no suspense, it wasn’t all that disturbing. I appreciated the restraint in it but I didn’t care about it at all.

Being a fan of extreme cinema, my ears perked up when I read The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence had been banned in Britain. The list of scenes they specified gave me an A Serbian Film style boner and once again, I was excited to see a movie about people being sewn ass to mouth. Then the reviews poured in. This movie really pissed people off and my hesitant excitement was growing less hesitant with every review I read. Even reviews by self-professed fans of extreme cinema hated this thing. Most of them came up with a litany of reasons why, ranging from assumptions about director Tom Six’s intentions (HE THINKS HIS FANS ARE ALL MENTALLY RETARDED) to complete disgust at what occurs in the film, to seeing this film as obscenity for the sake of being obscene. When I finally got my hands on an unedited copy, I was nervous and excited in a way that very few films make me feel. And I loved every second of it.

Nearly every aspect of this sequel is a sharp contrast to every aspect of the first film. And no, I don’t like this movie just because of the gore. In the sequel, The Human Centipede is just a movie and a wonderfully bizarre looking man named Martin is obsessed with it. Martin works as a security guard at a parking garage. His home life is horrible. His mother hates Martin because his father wound up in jail for raping him.

The humor in The Human Centipede 2 is as black as black gets, but it is funny. Martin is a polar opposite to Dieter Laser’s Dr. Heiter in the first film in every way. Where Heiter is tall, thin, clinical and emotionally reserved, Martin is a short, obese, bug eyed, mentally retarded, man-child, who can’t control his emotions. Martin’s life is so horrible that he inspired a modicum of pity from me. Considering what he does, that’s a fucking miracle.

Martin rents a filthy warehouse and begins his not so well thought out plan to build a real life human centipede. He attacks random people at the parking garage where he works and amasses a collection of twelve people that he holds prisoner in his newly acquired warehouse. The victims have no story. Tom Six doesn’t delve into their backgrounds at all. You don’t know anything about these people and that’s another difference between these two films. Not that you get a huge backstory of the victims in the first movie, but you get to know the girls for a little while before everything ramps up. The second Human Centipede is all Martin’s story. The stories of the victims don’t matter because they are simply a result of the incredible emotional stunting of Martin.

When shit goes down, it really goes down. Yes, this film absolutely earns its reputation. The extreme violence on display here is way over the top and shown in graphic detail. He smashes teeth out with a hammer, he staples lips to asses and injects large doses of laxative into every single person in his twelve person chain. Martin is no doctor and his lack of a clinical approach is another wonderful departure from the original movie. He tries, but quickly because impatient and frustrated and does everything he can to rush the process, which ultimately results in his failure to successfully pull off his procedure.

Laurence R. Harvey does a magnificent job as Martin. He is hugely creepy, pathetic, disgusting, fascinating, unintentionally comical and kind of sympathetic. Kind of. He doesn’t speak a single word in the film, but does make some noises that will haunt you long after the movie is over. As much as I loved Dieter Laser's performance, Martin had a much bigger impact on me, with no dialogue. I consider him one of the greatest villains in recent memory.

Just like the first film, this is really well shot. Tom Six opted to film this in black and white, which adds a good deal of grit to every scene. Obviously, this isn’t a film for everyone, but if you enjoy extreme horror films and you aren’t a presumptuous, hyper defensive dickhead, I would highly suggest it.

A L'Interieur (aka Inside) - One of the more fucked up unweak horror flicks

Movies - 9.22.11

a l'interieur inside unweak fucked up  unweak stop the weaknessOk, so I just put up a review for Sheitan and Inside is next. Inside is FUCKED UP. I gave a little background on where my personal preference for horror flicks came into play during my Sheitan review, but I will give a background on the more recent part of it.

Back in high school I would come home from school for breaks (went to boarding school) and all my middle schools friends (all 4 of them) went to boarding school as well, so it wasn't really a time for partying unless we were going into the city as it was just us 5 guys around. That meant lots of movies (and bowling). Everyone likes to be a movie snob for some reason, but at some point it just clicked and we started seeing every movie in the theater realizing that you can enjoy movies that are not and far from masterpieces. Some people don't get that and can't take a movie for pure entertainment value.

This carried onto college and most every Friday I would wake up after a bad Thursday night, eat some advil, chug some water, or gingerale, or orangina, put the noose around my neck, decide to take it off, put a gun in my mouth but take it out, and then ultimately decide that sitting in a dark room with a movie was the sanctuary I needed. Didn't matter what the movie, but over the course of seeing almost everything in the theater I found that horror flicks are the best because they are almost never bad. Even bad ones can keep you interested....so that grew into a full fledged love of the horror genre, seeking out the most fucked up the world had to offer.

That continued when I moved to Philadelphia and made a fellow convert, and then when I moved back to NY we picked up even more people. I would love to go into more past movie experiences, but for now I will just say that my friend moved up to NY from Phila and we had our first horror club meeting in a while. This club is exclusive, but if you think you can make the cut, by all means email tweak@stoptheweakness.com and let us know why you think you deserve it. So it was just about 6-10 of us in this screening room we rented out and we decided on French horror. I had seen Ils and High Tension a bunch and even though some members of the group asked for something with less gore and more suspense, I kind of convinced myself that though this was the goriest, it wasn't all that bad. I was wrong. Pretty much straight from the getgo. I don't like to give spoilers, but....just look at the cover, a pregnant belly covered in blood and a nice pair of scissors there. The plot.....could have been better. Well, I mean, not much happens. They flip on the fucked up switch in the intro, turn it off for about 5 mins, and then flip it back on and leave it on for the rest of the movie.

If you are looking for a little bit more I will give you some of the weapons of death....knitting needle, guns, shards of glass, aerosol flamethrower and....scissors. Oh, and some device I don't even know what it was. This isn't Saw gore or even Hostel gore......this is just a tweak and complete fucked up. Just as Harry said to Lloyd, "I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes", I think my friends may agree at the moment....or maybe I am just the asshole for showing the movie.

1991 - The Year Punk Broke - Too Excited, a Little Bit of a Let Down

Movies - 9.20.11

1991 the year punk broke stop the weaknessI have wanted this forever and since it was being released on the 20th anniversary on DVD, which coincides with Nevermind's 20th anniversary, well, I was pumped. This came first. This is Sonic Youth's film that kind of turned into a Nirvana film since Nirvana ended up being a lot bigger than Sonic Youth after the film came out.

First off, Thurston Moore is just kind of annoying during it. I like him a lot, and I think since it was his friend filming and others didn't like the camera that much, he felt the need to step up to the plate and entertain. The performances are awesome but I wish there were more by each band. Dino Jr only gets Freak Scene for example, and Nirvana get a couple songs, and the Sonic Youth songs are sick. I mean...it is what it is. It isn't that long and it is all these bands out on tour of Europe having fun before their music scene exploded.

 

Drive - Stops the Weakness, Best Movie in a while

Movies - 9.19.11

drive stop the weaknessI didn't know dick about this movie before I saw it and it was awesome that way. Sit down and the intro is awesome. See Cliff Martinez (old Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer) has done the music, which was one of the best parts of the movie, and from there it was just non-stop perfectness.

This shit is violent and awesome. I think I love Carrie Mulligan, and I like Ryan Gossling a lot as well, which I didn't think I would ever say. Their relationship in the movie is, well, I just think perfect.

I don't want to say much more, but Ryan Gossling does smash a guys head into, well, nothing, and there is a scene very reminiscent of the Scarface/Point Break bathroom scenes.

 

Sheitan - Unweak but Not as Fucked Up as I Was Expecting

Movies - 9.16.11

sheitan unweak stop the weaknessAnyone who loves horror flicks knows that the French are the ones doing it up right these days, and here is a good example. I had really high expectations for this though because probably my most trusted horror source told me it was probably one of the most fucked up movies he's ever seen. I have had it on streaming Netflix and didn't want to watch it alone that badly as even though I love horror movies, I feel like a fucking creep watching them at night....UNLESS, I am sick and suffering from insomnia which I have been for the past week.

So yeah I woke up around 4 am and had a bunch of hours until going to work and said fuck it and threw Sheitan (translation: Satan). And I was disappointed. You know, it is pretty hard to make an original horror flick these days unless it is completely ridiculous like Dead Snow, but where the French are succeeding is not using the same stale shots and flow. Now, they are kind of becoming a little similar to each other but whatever.

The most copied or drawn from horror movie has to be Texas Chainsaw, which oddly isn't one that I was ever huge into though I did love the remake....well and Deliverence....Most probably wouldn't call Deliverence a horror movie but I sure as fuck would. No movie has ever made me more freightened and horrified of....well, entire parts of the country. I hear there are beautiful places in West Virginia, and I know Deliverence takes place in Georgia, but......well.....I honestly don't know if I will ever go through West Virginia, let alone stop and stay there.

Funny that Deliverence comes up because a lot of people don't get horror movies and why people like them. I think the first R-rated movie was Nightmare on Elm St 3 (incredible movie) and shortly after I saw Deliverence. We were young, 8 or 9, and would always bust my dad's balls about the shitty movies, which were probably actually very good but we were 8 and couldn't pay attention to shit. Anyway, one day we were giving him a hard time about how his old movies suck and like a big donkey he goes out to Blockbuster with this big chip on his shoulder, all, I'm going to show these fucking kids what real movies are. He is horrible with technology too, but for some reason he thought, oh ok, when what's his name gets fucked in the ass and told to squeal like a pig, I will just fast forward it and then the rest of the movie isn't that bad. Good idea in theory but he had no idea how to work the fucking VHS. I mean, I can't fathom it now. I get it how he doesn't want to learn a lot of new technology today, but this VHS player (what did we call VHS players? I know we didn't call them fucking VHS players, someone please email me this info), well it only had like 5 buttons on it.....and there he is fumbling all through it while our 8 year old selves are sitting there like, woah, this is fucked up and badass and sorrt dad, you're not a pussy, this is just as cool as Marked for Death or Lionheart or whatever other 80s/90s action flicks we wanted to watch. Oh, one of my friends was there and my mom is completely horrified that my father thought it was ok to show this movie to us let alone someone else's 8 year old kid.

Fuck.....I got so off track. Sheitan is like High Tension and Texas Chainsaw. It is pretty fucked up, but,well, maybe I fell asleep during it or something because I don't ever remember thinking it was the most fucked up thing I've ever seen.

Senna - Formula One Documentary - Pretty Much Stops Weakness

Movies - 8.25.11

senna unweak  stoptheweaknessThere is not a whole lot to say about this documentary except for that it is pretty sick. It is not playing at many theaters in NY but I suggest searching it out. In fact, I just learned that this movie was released back in October of 2010 and everyone thinks it's the shit with a 100% fresh rating from Rotten Tomatoes.

I may show my ignorance here, but my friend called me up to see if I wanted to check out this Formula One racing documentary and I have to say I wasn't jumping for joy. Formula One, or just motor racing in general, kind of has a bad name in the US and this changed all that for me. And far beyond the sweetness of the race scenes, the story of Ayrton Senna and his competitive streak against his teammate Alain Prost is unreal. I never in a million years thought I could be as captivated by Formula One. This film wins on every level. It is funny, fascinating, suspenseful, has ill footage and is straight up depressing and hopeful all rolled into one. He was the man. Purely about the sport and loved by his country. I am not big into sports so feel free to call bullshit left and right, but I feel like it is tough to watch this film and not feel that sports/athletes are more cheap these days. I know that is a bold and not fully true statement, but....well see for yourself. Check this shit out and I guarantee it will have you wanting to become a guilt free fan of Formula One.

Oh yeah, there are some subtitles too, so if that causes problems for you - learn to read and quit complaining.

 

 

 

 

senna documentary footage stop the weaknesssenna formula one racing stop the weakness

High Lane (Vertige) - Unoriginal But Not Too Weak

Movies - 8.4.11

high lane vertige unoriginal  stoptheweaknessThis movie is highly unoriginal. Kids hiking through the woods, things go wrong and there is a someone hunting them. This is a french movie that takes a cue from The Descent and starts off as an outdoors thriller, man vs nature, and you start to wonder (sort of) if nature will be the bad guy. Anyway, you could guess what happens here. No inventive kills, and well, your typical characters making stupid bullshit decisions. There are some weird character dynamics, I will say, and that adds something different, but overall it doesn't matter. This formula has been repeated a million times because it can and it works even when you have seen it a million times. This is something you can stream from Netflix, it is dubbed, not subtitled.

I know everything I have said makes this movie seem bad, but if you are looking for a movie like this, it will surely get the job done and isn't that bad at all, just not original.

 
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